Christmas Comes Early for Maryland Sports Figures

Even though the economy is down (understatement, I know, but bear with me), we here at ATH have a wealth of generosity in our hearts, and an overabundance of the giving spirit this time of year. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa (please comment if you celebrate Kwanzaa, I have yet to meet someone who does), you must agree that our Maryland sports figures are in need of gifts as much as anyone else. Here are some gifts we had in mind for our favorite (or least favorite) athletes, coaches, and executives…

Michael Phelps: Acting lessons for a year. Trust me Michael, or have you not seen that episode of Saturday Night Live yet?

Joe Flacco: Eyebrow trimmer/tweezers. Those things are out of control, and with his success this season he has to look good for those offseason interviews.

Ralph Friegen: A blindfold. That way, he won’t know whether the Terps are playing a good or a bad team that week. I know it isn’t on him, but I couldn’t very well give them to the players!

Nick Markakis: A contract extension. No joke here, get this man his extension before his price tag goes through the roof- the cost of this great player is only going up with time.

Cal Ripken Jr.: $398 million. That is the value of the Baltimore Orioles according to Forbes. Yes, Peter Angelos has given up some of his power to Andy MacPhail, but the man is still in charge and still has the final say over what this team does. Am I the only one who sees a time bomb ready to blow up this rebuilding project? Buy it, Cal.

Andy MacPhail: 2 starting pitchers. It is the least we can give him, though it might be tough just to get one.

Rex Ryan: A head coaching job. I want him to stay as badly as anyone, but if you need a motivator and a leader, this is your guy.

John Harbaugh: A candy cane. I know the offense seems to be reverting, but someone please tell coach it’s okay to smile sometimes, even to Ray. Maybe that’ll help him cheer up some.

Gary Williams: A big man. Braxton Dupree can’t seem to play his size, and in a wide open competition, no one else was able to set up. He needs a big man who can play up to his size and occasionally score.

Mark Teixeira: A Nationals uniform. Look, I don’t want him elsewhere in the division, and I am not sure that the money on him couldn’t be spent better elsewhere. Let him lose 90 games a year for 3 years, then opt out, then maybe sign with the O’s when they are good again.

Ed Reed: Defensive Player of the Year Award. Just give it to him already. Right now.

Dave Trembley: Position prospects in the minors. It won’t do him much good right now, but he’ll thank me later.

Daniel Cabrera: Nothing. I think Baltimore already gave him everything they could, including way too many chances to be successful.

Good luck shopping everyone!